Wow, life is really getting complicated. I am so indecisive and confused. I also feel so alone. I know that I brought it on myself but that still doesn't change how I feel. I have been praying for guidance but I don't seem to be getting it. Everyone in Wisconsin says that I should stay here. Everyone in Nebraska says that I should go there. I am so torn because I don't want to let anyone down but I can't make a decision without hurting someone. Then on top of it all, I am still dealing with a broken heart and it hurts so bad. Some days are good, I only cry maybe twice. Others suck because all I do is cry. I gave all of myself to him and he just didn't seem to care. He broke my spirit and crushed my ability to believe in myself. Then he told me that it was never meant to happen because he had loved someone else all along. I feel small and insignificant. He still calls though all the time and I can't seem to hang up the phone. I am still sucked into this twisted mess and I want so desparately to get out but I just don't see how I can. I still want to talk to him for some stupid reason. I want to make him feel better while all the while he is crushing me a little more each day. He is being sweet to me now. Telling me he is sorry and I don't deserve to be treated the way he treated me. He just doesn't get that he is breaking my heart. I know you think I am stupid because I won't just end the whole thing but I just can't do it on my own. I am so afriaid that if I somehow let myself get away then I will be truly alone. I am so so tired of all the pain.

Well. . .

Well I have decided to start writing on my blog. I have been told that it helps to destress. so here it goes. . . Life has been really hard lately. I have felt like I have lost my way. For awhile I thought I was just going to keep spiraling out of control and never stop. I had given up the control in my life to something I thought was what was meant to be. that is laughable. the only thing that is meant to be I realized is what I make of my life and where I go with it. I can't let anyone direct my life because they don't know where I am going. They don't know what makes me truly happy. I don't even know that yet. What I do know is that I am going to make the best out of my life. I am going to get the confidence I once had back. I am going to find happiness. I will no longer let the fear of failure and heart ache stop me from getting what I want because I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever comes my way. I just needed to remember that.